I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
