She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
