Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
