At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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