If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
