I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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