just tell him i said nine months
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
