So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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