my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize