Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
