So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
