fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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