so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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