If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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