Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
