Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
