is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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