FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
