The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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