The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
50% drunk capacity currently
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
