I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
