Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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