I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
