I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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