And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
