My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
