Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize