i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
operation harelip BJ is a go
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
