Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
