god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
