i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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