yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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