You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Randomize
