I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
