four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
