And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
