I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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