Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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