More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Randomize
