Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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