i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
