she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
