Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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