I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
