I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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