My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
