Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
high people should be assigned attendants
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Randomize
