Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
PANTIES FOUND
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