I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
