very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
