You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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