JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
