Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
