4 words: hood of his car
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
