In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
