Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
