I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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