Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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