Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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