I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
