**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
