Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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