and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
