Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
