I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
