Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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