Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize