Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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